2005 Playoffs Special Report

Commissioner's Note: The 2003 and 2004 Super Bowl champions, Receiver U., correctly predicted the outcome of each and every playoff game in 2003. Last season they correctly predicted four of the winners from the five playoff games. That's 9 winners from 10 games that they have predicted in a two year time period. Due to their success at prognostication, the league has invited them back in 2005 to see what he has to say about this year's playoffs.   Greetings fellow owners,   I would first like to thank you all for this opportunity, again, to dominate the league, the playoffs and of course the taunts. See without you, this column would not exist. So props to you all and thanks for showing up again to donate your money. With another pre-season in the books, it's time for the real season to start, a 5 game season with no points for second place. But first, let's congratulate the 4 lottery teams on another successful campaign. (If you're short on time, or simply have no respect for the lottery teams, skip ahead 1 paragraph).   The Fat Bus - Uncle. Uncle. Please make it stop. Looks like another team will be making a run at the Bulls 3-peat next year. I heard a saying once, it went something like "once shame on you, twice shame on _______". You fill in the blank. Losing two running backs is never good, but maybe stop and take a breathe before picking next year as maybe there will be a reason a top flight WR is let go and you're licking your chops!!   The Running Monks - So, they had the most points scored against them in the regular season. So what? They were 9th in scoring offense. At least finish in the top 5 in scoring then maybe you can gripe a little. Losing your 2 franchise players doesn't help, but then again they were only franchise players because you kept them.   E-Z Money - Shaun Alexander to the house. At least you got some dough for keeping Alexander. You're welcome by the way.   Cinnamon Roll Nation - Chisel roll nation is more like it. How is it possible? This owner has got to be reeling, but his chin will be up by next Labor Day.   The Playoffs:   Welcome. Some familiar faces again, most notably mine. (Thank you, btw). Could it be a second ring for some? Possibly a 3rd or the coveted 4th for even others? Might POB finally get the respect he thinks he deserves? I'll tell you now:   POB's Pounders - 10 win season, solid again. A perennial playoff team, but to this point unable to produce the money shot, if you will. Solid chance this year, 2 cupcakes seeing who gets to lie down and play him next. My prediction, the Pounders will at least play in the second round.   Receiver U. - Hmmmmmmm, let's see. Can you say 3-peat? Tough road to hoe. C'mon, we're not talking drunk at the Perch chasing low hanging fruit (Kimberly), this team is not as strong as previous seasons, no doubt, but they have never needed a bye more than this year (3rd season with a bye), so just maybe they can do something with it.   Who Dey Delight - Fat Bus, take notes, this is how you go from shitty to not shitty. Was it O'douls on draft night this year? We will see if this team can keep their composure here, as tension looms. Who will they start each week? Who will take the blame should they be wrong? Would you want your only ring to have an asterisk next to it, then go 7 years without a shot and then finally slide into a ring? They wont need any grease to slide that ring on this year, 1. because, no we won't go there and 2. because they won't win it all.   Tod's Team - Not this year. Another solid regular season, some change to post to their earnings, but just not enough in the ole' piggybank, Stein!   Bullshit Factor - It's almost embarrassing to be writing about this team. Can you say lottery pick? Can you say sell out? The epitome of what Not a Fantasy Franchise should be about. Sell out. Get Lucky. Have some Bullshit go your way, and then chirp about it. Conference runner up, that is funny. Although I can think of 5 teams that couldn't be happier your hapless team is in the playoffs.    Orange Julius - Hanging on by a thread. Although this team always makes the playoffs, which is only nice so that we don't have to wait until next years draft to find out who wins (although I would probably email and let you know), the sixth place spot is a tough one. Not enough to overpower the real contenders and chiseled into the middle of the draft the following year, which incase nobody has figured out, you want to draft LAST!   The Games:   (Round 1)   Steins vs. I'm Shitty - Peyton at J'Ville? Westbrook at home? Oh wait, Westbrook's done for the year. Then there's the guy who shot the only load he has last week. On paper and in management you'd have to give this on to the Steins, but the match up and the bullshit favor Jo Boo's (unbiased opinion).   Greasebud vs. Orange Ass Pendejos - Can you say pressure? You can't lead the league in points and then stumble in the playoffs... or can you? The Bengals at home against the Browns, can you say ground game? Can you say rout? If the Carson/Chad combo can't produce in the first half this team will sputter. You can only ride Bengals and Beavers (OSU kind, not Kimberly) so far ...Can the Orange Crush pull off the upset? Is it Vick or Fav-Re? The Sunday or Monday night chisel? On paper it's tough to argue these lineups, both looking good this week. But, I must say I will go against conventional wisdom and look for the The Real OC to advance.   (Round 2)   POB vs. Lou Holtz - I see a big day for Plummer here. Pray for Sun POB because if it's snowing in Buffalo you got problems. Anyone want a side bet Murph still wears his Pray for Sun t-shirt? Double or nothing he's never jerked off. Season over Murph. Thanks for playing, take your $25 and buy a truckload of Top Ramen or a new White Sox, I mean Cubs hat. The favorite advances as the match-ups and talent are both a lock in this one.   Receiver U vs. Orange Negro - Favre vs. Deion, Vick vs. Ditka, Hmmmmmm. Hasslebeef at Swiss Cheese Tenn, Randy vs. CLE, Steve Smith vs. NOLA...need I go on? This has rout (again) written all over it. Sorry to have to end the commishes season, but only 2 of us will need to access to the site after week 15. RU in a rout.    (The NGL Bowl, just kidding - The Super bowl!)   POB vs. Receiver U. - Plummer in a shoot out, LT in a shoot out. Dunn at Tampa, Cadillac vs. the ATL. Nobody to throw to Reggie Wayne, Randy will be hurt or in jail. Wow, on paper this doesn't look good, but there are 2 things we need not forget. Champions find a way to win, and non-Champions find a way to out think themselves and lose. So close, but no Cigar POB. I have to give the nod to NGL. Can you say Tom Brady?   Good Luck to you all,   Kelso Sturgeon