2003 Week 3 Report

Week Three was about as low scoring as it gets. In fact, only one team scored more than 90 points (The Steins) and only one other team passed 80 points (P.O.B. Pimps). Five teams ended up with scoring marks in the 60's. Pathetic. Hopefully, Week Four will bring more production.         There is no better way to end the week than with a good, old fashioned Monday Night Chisel! Heading into the final game of the week, E-Z Money held a comfortable 28 point lead over The Fat Bus. The only active player on either roster was Denver quarterback Jake Plummer, a player who was nursing a separated shoulder and who has had an abysmal first two games in 2003. Conventional wisdom says only foolish ownership would start this guy. Lucky for us, The Fat Bus is just that stupid. Plummer got the start, and he ended up scoring 29 points on the night -- almost all of that coming in the first half of a lopsided Denver victory. Losing by one point on Monday night must have left the 0-3 E-Z Money franchise in the saltiest of moods. They refused to grant the league a post game interview. Following the 67-66 win, The Fat Bus improves to 3-0 on the year. E-Z Money will look for their first win next week, but it's quite improbable they will get it since their best player is on a bye and they will be facing the league's highest scoring team.        Here are the rest of the results for Week Three:     The Steins (2-0-1) defeated Faerie Fucks (2-1), 96-64. Not even 42 rushing attempts by RB Ricky Williams could help the Faerie Fucks in this game. The Steins simply were too productive this week at every position, including getting 15 points from their newly acquired Kansas City D/ST. Talk about pulling a string! Next Week the Fucks play the defending champions, Karen's Komets, in an important interleague matchup. The Steins are on a bye.    Vick's Vagines (2-0-1) defeated Karen's Komets (1-2), 72-67. Two sad performances in this matchup led to a pretty close game. The Komets got bitten by the injury bug this week, as QB Daunte Culpepper and RB Travis Henry both only played about 1/2 of their games. It's tough to win when your top players aren't on the field! Most likely, both of these guys will be out next week as well, leaving the 1-2 Komets in a dangerous situation. The Vagines remain undefeated with the win, although they haven't looked all that spectacular yet this season.   P.O.B. Pimps (2-1) defeated Priestie Boys (0-3), 82-71. This was a semi-chisel of a game. WR Ashley Lelie scored the decisive points on Monday night, as the Priestie Boys continue to get pummeled by opposing teams. I shudder to think how bad they will get raped in any given week if Priest Holmes doesn't score his typical two touchdowns and 200 combined yards. The Pimps are going to be without Marshall Faulk (broken hand) for a while, but my guess is that loss can only help them.   Victorious Secrets (1-2) defeated T.T.M.F. Little Johnny (1-2) , 60-56. The Secrets caught a major break this week, as their 9th place scoring output would have been good enough to beat only one team in the league: Little Johnny. This matchup had all the makings for an exciting Monday night finish, but turned out to be as anti-climatic as Ron Benjamin at a Thin Girls convention. Both teams are now tied for 2nd place at 1-2 in the Hair Conference, which is already living up to its billing as the weakest division the league has seen in years.     As part of an annual tradition, I like to use the Week Three mark to predict which teams have very little chance to make the postseason. With two franchises currently 0-3, you might think you know a couple of teams I will select. Well you're right!   E-Z Money - They are winless and hopeless. With 2 good RBs and 2 good QBs, you would think they would have been scoring a little more. The problem is that they can't pick the better QB on a weekly basis and their WRs are the worst in the league. See ya at next year's draft.   Priestie Boys - The other 0-3 team. And boy are they shitty. Losing three games in a row despite getting monster games from RB Priest Holmes is chillingly reminiscient of "Raisn' Da Rueff!" ...the team they replaced when they joined the league in 1999. Like the Rueff teams of yesteryear, The Boys are simpy too dependant on one player and have no supporting cast. Can you say Fire Sale?   T.T.M.F. Little Johnny - At 1-2 and tied for 2nd place in the Hair Conference, Little Johnny is not out of it by a long shot. But the problem is that the Lip Conference is too strong. That conference is likely to get 4 teams into the playoffs, and that means T.T.M.F. is not qualifying for postseason play.   Victorious Secrets - This franchise has never failed to make the playoffs. But this might be the year the streak ends. With no running game to speak of, they look like a good bet to miss out on the dance.   For the record, last year I predicted that Dawson's Crizzzy, The Savants, Corey Dillon The Ball Carrier, and Gimme The Damn Ball! would miss the playoffs. I was right with all four predictions.   Next week features five important interleague games!   Good luck to you all...         The Commish