2003 Week 13 Report

The regular season has been completed and it's now playoff time! Let's see if Karen's Komets can defend their title or if someone else will bring home the coveted Super Bowl ring in 2003.The Lip Conference edged the Hair Conference in both points scored and the interleague series - which they won 13-12. The Lips also qualified 4 playoff teams compared to two for the Hair Conference. Of the six teams still alive, five of them have already earned a cash prize in 2003.      Before we take a look at next week's playoff games, here are the final results for Week Thirteen:       Vick's Vagines (7-5-1) defeated The Fat Bus (11-2), 114-102 Victorious Secrets (4-9) defeated T.T.M.F. Little Johnny (4-9), 101-67 E-Z Money (6-7) defeated Karen's Komets (7-6), 113-88 Priestie Boys (2-11) defeated Faerie Fucks (7-6), 108-66 P.O.B. Pimps (8-5) defeated The Steins (8-4-1), 128-77        Here's a recap of where everyone finished the 2003 regular season:    Teams in the 2003 Playoffs Teams with Lottery Draft Picks in 2004 The Fat Bus - Hair Conference champion, best overall record, and most overall points. They are the #1 seed in the playoffs as they coasted through most of the regular season. Their winnings this year have totaled $325, which is 150% better than their previous earnings over the team's first six seasons.   The Steins - Lip Conference champion, 2nd best overall record, and 2nd most overall points. 2003 prize money for the franchise is $215. As the #2 seed, they will get a bye during the first round.     P.O.B. Pimps - Lip Conference runner-up and 3rd best overall record. They also had the 4th most overall points bringing their 2003 prize total to $75.     Vick's Vagines - They are the #4 seed and finished with the 3rd most overall points ($50).   Karen's Komets - They are the #5 seed. They follow up 2002's championship season as the Hair Conference runner-up ($25)      Faerie Fucks - They are the #6 seed. No prizes have been won thus far in 2003.. Priestie Boys - Draft pick #1 next year, and their 3rd season as a lottery team (in five years).   T.T.M.F. Little Johnny - Draft pick #2 next year, and they have finished in the bottom three overall for a record 4th time.   Victorious Secrets - Draft pick #3 next year, the first time this franchise has failed to make the playoffs. They were the lowest scoring team of the regular season.   E-Z Money - Draft pick #4 next year, they failed to make the playoffs for the 3rd year in a row.     O.K., here is the playoff bracket:      Playoff Schedule                Alright, now the real season begins! Here with some commentary on the first round games, the entire postseason race, and general criticisms of the entire league are two different owners. First up is the 1/2 owner of The Steins who resumes his weekly column. His editorial is followed by a guest appearance from the owner of Vick's Vagines. Enjoy!    I hope you guys enjoyed those pictures last week. At some point, I need to quit passing out. Hope everyone put $1,000 on Michigan against Ohio St.   I would like to congratulate the Fat Bus on winning their first Mach V trophy. In addition, The Steins won their third Lipitor Trophy.   When was the last time that the website in week 12 of the season gets updated on Wednesday? I guess I would be salts if I was the first one to lose to the Priestie Boys in the battle of the 1999 Fantasy Index Cheat Sheet Bowl. Victorious did rebound to win this week in the battle of the Who's Picking Second Bowl. Coors Light will do for the rest of us.   Speaking of Priestie, congrats on another victory and not having to be mentioned in the same breath as Jo Boo in the all-time loser stats. I have a feeling we might have a first next year with Priestie infringing on the copywrite of "Vick's Vagines."   I mentioned in my previous article (Week Eleven) that "Randy is no Santana" might want think about picking up Anthony Wright, well what do you know. Every year its a four man show for NGL but one of those four don't seem to be a quarterback. I hope they do well in the playoffs because its tough to know you didn't win it each year when your drops are picked first and second in the draft. Well, maybe just first next year.   Who is running the show for The Steins? They seem to be pulling someone's string each week but not the right one. No Jackson and Hasslebeck last week and no Hasslebeck this week. They might have had a chance at the points title without the mismanagement. Its tough with four hands!   The real fun begins now. Hope you drafted for week 15!         1. Fat Bus: A record 11 regular season victories, a conference champion, best overall record, most total points scored, first round bye and a slight stumble into the playoffs with their loss this week.....hhhmmm, this sounds all to familiar. McNair or Pennington is the question.....We all know they will stick with Chad as they have done the last few weeks, this way they won't have to live with the second guessing they will be doing when they play the wrong QB in the playoffs....Sorry, not this year, a non playoff factor again.   2. The Steins: Another first round bye, another conference championship, second in overall points (since the #3 team has played the wrong QB 4 weeks in a row) and the added pressure to get that coveted second ring. This team not only has a QB controversy, but they have an owner controversy as well....This team is one injury away from going home early again. Taylor and Davis? I think it is Taylor's turn to get dinged up. Owens is done as well. This once franchise player shouldn't even be a starter now. They will definitely enjoy the off week, before they have to play The Pimps again....the team that put a beating on them this week! Not a good sign heading into the playoffs. The only thing they have going for them is we all know who pulls the strings this time of year, and it ain't the guy their named after.   3. Cuz I'm a MF P-I-M-P (P.O.B. Pimps): How does he do it every year? His team looks like crap through 7 weeks and then he gels at the right time. Marshall is healthy, 3 QB's to choose from, Hines is coming around and Jimmy is on the wagon. My pick to silence all his critics finally.   4. Vick's Vagines: Simple. Play the right QB and win the coveted second title.   5. Karen's Komets: Give them some credit, they made the playoffs at least. Not enough in the tank to defend the title though. Too many obstacles in their way. Dante vs. Bulger? Seems like everyone is in the same boat. Only problem for Karen is there is nothing to back the top 2 Qb's in the league up. Is there a time machine that can take Murph back to week 9?   6. Faerie Fucks: Are fucked. Ricky is struggling, Marvin is ailing and the Pimps are Pimping. Good luck next year and enjoy the off season.   Week 14 - Game 1 Vagines vs. Komets - The Vagines are 6-2 lifetime against Karen's Kornholes, incl. 1-0 in the playoffs. Go ahead and make this 7-2 and 2-0. The Vagines put up 114 in week 13, incl. 2 from Garcia. Right about now, Murph wishes he had last year's playoffs matchups, sorry, see ya next year Murph there will be no repeat.   Week 14 - Game 2 Pimps vs. Fucks - Is this game for real? Was some technicality overlooked? Why is this game being played. The Pimps in a route.   Week 15 - Game 1 Vagines vs. The Bus - Week 13 was a preview, Vagines put the Bus in their place and will do it again. Their only playoff victories are against Murph and Doc, 2 teams they won't face this year.   Week 15 - Game 2 Pimps vs. Steins - On paper, the Pimps are the team to beat. Too bad for them the Steins are destined for another Superbowl loss.   Superbowl Vagines vs. Steins - Would you have it any other way? This game couldn't be scripted any better, the history, the taunts, the bad blood, the draft night fiasco's, the bitterness of having a second rate Moss and not the real thing.....the Vagines in a nail biter.   -JJ Stokes      That's it for the regular season, so the rosters of teams that did not make the playoffs are now frozen until next year's draft. Good luck to those teams that are still alive!      The Commish