WEEK ONE REPORT     Finally!!! After a long off season, the NFL is back... and we finally got our divisions mixed up a bit after 3 years of improbable divisional seedings. Finally, Pooh Bott Helmets got their first win over Bullseye in 6 years of trying! And, finally, Karen's Komets appear to have a competitive team for the first time in many years. Looks like we're going to have an interesting year!   The big news from Week One is that the Lip Conference won the lone interleague matchup and have three opening week winners. No season-ending injuries (yet) so theoretically all teams still have a shot at the title, although I would caution anyone on rooting for The Savants or Corey Dillon The Ball Carrier. Disappointment seems to be in order for those who do not heed my warning.   The results...   Feature game of the week The Green Party (1-0) defeated Boston Stranglers (0-1), 114-85. This was a rematch of last season's Super Bowl game, and The Green Party got their revenge by beating the Stranglers with their own 2001 star: RB Priest Holmes. The tailback rushed for 4 TDs and singlehandely carried last year's runner-up to victory. The defending champs had a shot to win on Monday Night, but RB Jerome Bettis and WR Plaxico Burress were major letdowns and the Stranglers got their ass handed to them. It was interesting to see The Green party start WR Bubba Franks when they had a few other players that appeared to be much better options than a tight end who catches only a handful of passes per season. Regardless, they got the victory.   Here are the rest of the results for Week One:   Karen's Komets (1-0) defeated Dawson's Crizzzy (0-1), 113-103. Look what happens when you get a few successive lottery picks over a short time. You can actually build a decent team with keepers. The Komets made a pre-draft trade that sent them Eddie George and were able to select QB Peyton Manning in the draft's opening round. They look like a force to be reckoned with this year. As for the Crizzy, they seem to have found themselves in their customary situation of not having a decent starting QB. I don't think Kordell Stewart is going to be the answer for them.    Gimme The Damn Ball! (1-0) defeated TD Taunters (0-1), 104-76. With RB Marshall Faulk disappointing this Sunday, the TD Taunters had little chance of stopping their opponent, especially considering WR Marty Booker's huge day. The question for Gimme The Damn Ball! is whether or not they can survive after releasing QB Peyton Manning in favor of aging RB Curtis Martin and end-zone shy WR Keyshawn Johnson. If the Ball! has to rely on QB Steve McNair all season, they might find themselves out of the playoffs again this year. As for the TD Taunters, their WRs were tayreebs during this opening week. Their 4 wideouts combined for a measley 18 points. That was less than the Ball!'s WR Rod Gardner (who scored 19 by himself)!     Pooh Bott Helmets (1-0) defeated Bullseye (0-1), 91-75. The Helmets finally got off the schneid and defeated Bullseye for the first time in franchise history. Kudos to them! They did it with a balanced attack that featured just a few short TDs while Bullseye watched their receivers shit the bed. If Owens doesn't start producing, Bullseye will be an easy target all season long.   Corey Dillon The Ball Carrier (1-0) defeated The Savants (0-1), 86-82. In what was arguably the shittiest game of the week (from a talent perspective), these two squads managed to manufacture the closest scoring contest of Week One. With QB Kurt Warner struggling mightily in Denver, The Savants had little chance to come away with the "W" -- although RB Corey Dillon wasn't much of a ball carrier this weekend. He managed just 10 yards rushing overall. Yikes!     Next week should be a good one... good luck to all of you.        The Commish