WEEK THIRTEEN REPORT

The 2000 regular season ended with a bang. All five Hair Conference teams finished with identical 8-5 records, made possible by the unbelievable first win of the year by Jo-Boo's Browns Backers! By beating The Savants, the Backers avoided the league's first winless season and continued their dominance over The Savants - running their head-to-head record up to 4-0-1. Props go out to Lou Holtz for managing his team all the way to the bitter end.

Speaking of "bitter," that is the only word to describe what The Endzone Dancers must be feeling right now. With a five-team tie in the Hair Conference, the playoff positions were ultimately determined by each team's conference record. The Dancers finished at 3-5 in divisional games, tied for worst in the conference with Santana's No Randy! TNT^©. But since Santana swept the season series with the Dancers 2-0, they earned the playoff berth. To add insult to injury, the Dancers finished as the 3rd highest scoring team in the league and had a much better record than The Funhouse Slaps - who qualified as the #6 playoff seed due to the league rule mandating that conference runner-ups are guaranteed a playoff berth. I suspect that rule might be changed next year, as this is the second year in a row that a team with a winning record failed to make the postseason while a team without a winning record has qualified for the playoffs! It's also the 3rd year in a row that one of the highest scoring teams in the league has failed to make the playoffs.

This year, the Hair Conference dominated the Lip Conference thoroughly. Last year, I commented that the two divisions would never be as lopsided as they were in 1999. Was I ever wrong. Only one Lip Conference team finished with a winning record while all the Hair Conference teams ended the regular season at 8-5! Also, the Hairs won the interleague battle 20-5 (one game better than last year's mark), and managed to get four teams into the playoffs for the second consecutive year. Only two Lip Conference teams qualified for the playoffs. So who made the playoffs and who will be taking an early summer vacation? Let's take a look:

Teams in the

2000 Playoffs

Teams with Lottery

Draft Picks in 2001

Akili's All-Stars - Lip Conference champion, best overall record, and 4th most overall points. They are the #1 seed in the playoffs as they coasted through most of the season dominating their weaker opponents. With an 8-0 conference record, the All-Stars are the first team to ever go undefeated in their division during the regular season.

The Savants - Hair Conference champion and 2nd best overall record, both based on a tiebreaker. They also finished with the 2nd most overall points. This is the first year they have won a cash prize. As the #2 seed, they will get a bye during the first round before trying to win their first playoff game ever.

Dirty Sanchez - Hair Conference runner-up and 3rd best overall record, both based on a tiebreaker. They are the #3 seed and were quite fortunate to even make the playoffs - needing a miracle finish in the late game of Week 13 to avoid elimination. The only team in the league to make the playoffs in every year.

Bullseye - They are the #4 seed as they made their way back into the playoffs after a one year hiatus. They finished with the most overall points in the regular season and despite their lifetime 1-2 playoff mark, they are a favorite to win it all this year.

Santana's No Randy! TNT^© - By winning their final 3 games they have earned the #5 seed. All-time, they are 3-1 in postseason play.

The Funhouse Slaps - Lip Conference runner-up, they are the #6 seed. Only a league rule mandating that conference runner-ups are guaranteed a playoff spot gave them a wild card berth. They are still looking for their first postseason victory.

Jo-Boo's Browns Backers - draft pick #1 next year, and not to anyone's surprise...they were done the moment they sold Edgerrin James on draft night.

Team TBD - draft pick #2 next year, we really had expected much, much more from this team when they entered the league two years ago. Perhaps next year they will not disappoint.

The Fat Bus - draft pick #3 next year, with plenty of time to repair the broken-down Bus. This is their second consecutive year without a winning record.

The Endzone Dancers - draft pick #4 next year, they got screwed out of the playoffs this year because they played in the dominant conference. They tied for 1st place in the Hair Conference, yet lost the playoff tiebreaker to four other teams. Those conference games are so very important! They did win the 3rd most overall points prize.

Here were the final results for Week Thirteen:

Jo-Boo's Browns Backers (1-12) defeated The Savants (8-5), 92-84

Dirty Sanchez (8-5) defeated Bullseye (8-5), 85-84

Santana's No Randy! TNT^© (8-5) defeated The Endzone Dancers (8-5), 126-72

The Fat Bus (5-8) defeated Team TBD (3-10), 105-88

Akili's All-Stars (10-3) defeated The Funhouse Slaps (6-7), 107-88

O.K., here is the playoff bracket:

Playoff Schedule

Alright, now the real season begins! Here is a preview of the first round games:

In 1998, Santana defeated Bullseye 104-103 in Round Two of the playoffs. That was the only time these two teams have met in the postseason. Lifetime, Bullseye leads the head-to-head series with a 6-3 advantage. With RB Jamal Lewis off this week with a bye, Bullseye is in a tough situation at running back. Edgerrin James and Curtis Martin play in the same game - so that will play a huge factor in determing the winner. Last week, their receivers combined for 5 points, which might contribute to a change in Bullseye's lineup for the playoffs. Santana is emerging from the regular season with 3 consecutive wins, having posted 115, 99, and 126 points in those games. They will be tough to beat this week.

(#3) Dirty Sanchez vs. (#6) The Funhouse Slaps

Dirty Sanchez has dominated the head-to-head battle, having defeated The Funhouse Slaps 5 times in 6 games. Lifetime, the Slaps are 0-1 in the playoffs with their only postseason appearance coming in 1998. Dirty Sanchez is the defending Super Bowl champion with a 4-2 playoff record. This week's game features several difficult matchups for both teams and looks to be a low scoring contest. If RB Stephen Davis does not play for Dirty Sanchez, it's unlikely they will win the game.

That's it for the regular season, so the rosters of teams that did not make the playoffs are now frozen until next year's draft. Good luck to those teams that are still alive!

The Commish