WEEK ONE REPORT
The more things change... the more they stay
the same! Week One of the 2000 season was filled with a number of similarities
with last season. First, in a freakish display of improbability, the post-draft
conference assignments resulted in the same five teams playing in opposite
divisions. The five teams that made up last year's Hair Conference, now
make up this year's Lip Conference. Conversely, the five teams in last
year's Lip Conference, now find themselves grouped with each other in this
year's Hair Conference. Also in Week One, we see Akili's All-Stars taking
the "Dog of the Week" honors. Shocking, isn't it?
More similarities: Jo-Boo's Browns Backers
got taken to the cleaners in another trade. This year, the vultures didn't
even wait for the start of the season to begin raping the Brown Backers.
Immediately after the draft, Bullseye traded away RB Terrell Davis
and $135 to the Browns Backers for their franchise player -- RB Edgerrin
James. The trade has already cost the Browns Backers in the standings,
for if they had James (instead of Davis) they would have avoided a loss
in their Week One contest. And just like clockwork, the Browns Backers
have already suffered team-crippling injuries. Not only did Davis get hurt
in his 1st game back from major knee surgery, but their top receiver, Joey
Galloway, has been lost for the season. With their history of injuries,
it makes you wonder why they selected RB Jamal Anderson with their first
pick in this year's draft.
As expected, the Hair Conference took this
week's only interleague game, and the Lip Conference is already being outscored
by the Hair Conference by 142 points. And we've only played a week! For
comparison, last year the total difference in points between the two divisions
was only 627 points for the entire year.
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Feature game of the
week
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Bullseye (1-0)
defeated Santana's No Randy! TNT©
(0-1), 123-79. In a battle between two of the top teams in the league,
only Bullseye came to play this week as they racked up major points at
both starting RB positions. In the early going, it looks like that
$135 was a very solid investment. Santana's No Randy! TNT© had
only one bright spot in Week One, and that was the 30 point outburst of
RB Duce Staley. If they can get consistent performances like that
out of their running backs, Santana's No Randy! TNT© should
have another solid season, considering their strength at receiver. As for
Bullseye, they look like the team to beat this year, as the trade for James
has bolstered an already top notch roster. The only question is - will
they be able to improve on their dismal .333 playoff average?
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Here are the rest of the results for Week
One:
The Endzone Dancers (1-0)
defeated Akili's All-Stars (0-1),
98-64. A couple of obverstaions from this game: First, it looks like The
Endzone Dancers will be relying an awful lot on RB Marshall Faulk
this year to carry them to victory. With an average corps of wide receivers,
they'll really need their top player to stay injury-free. Second, Akili's
All-Stars may be in for another long season. With poor decisions by management
(such as starting Seattle K Kris Heppner
vs. Miami instead of Washington K Brett Conway vs. Carolina), this
team could find itself with the number pick in the draft -- again!
Dirty Sanchez
(1-0) defeated The Savants (0-1),
121-116. The defending champions, Dirty Sanchez, opened up the 2000 season
with a strong outing against division rival The Savants. With great performances
on Monday night by The Savants' QB Kurt Warner, WR Ed McCaffrey, and
D/ST St. Louis - The Savants almost pulled off a stunning comeback. Unfortunately
for them, they fell just short of delivering the dreaded "Monday Night
Chisel" to Dirty Sanchez.
The Fat Bus (1-0)
defeated Team TBD
(0-1), 83-75. The Fat Bus is rolling once again. In a fashion to which
we have all become accustomed, The Bus wins another close game against
a struggling conference foe. Other than RB Lamar's Smith 20 point
performance, nothing about The Fat Bus' Week One victory was impressive.
Getting only 17 combined points from their four wide receivers, The Bus
still managed to emerge victorious against Team TBD -- which I can only
assume stands for "To Be Defeated."
The Funhouse Slaps (1-0)
defeated Jo-Boo's Browns Backers
(0-1), 98-75. Without RB Edgerrin James on their roster, the Browns
Backers will be in for a long season, especially considering the season-ending
injury to Galloway and the delicate situations of their "ACL Backfield."
Perhaps Davis and Anderson will regain their form of years' past, but it's
not likely. Making a strong statement as they started off the new 2000
season, The Funhouse Slaps showed the league they can get scoring from
a variety of positions. Kicker Morten Andersen racked up 21 fantasy points,
while D/ST Philadelphia contributed 11 points.
Next week should be interesting considering
two contests feature 0-1 teams going head-to-head. There will be at least
two teams left with 0-2 records after Week Two is completed.
Taunt you all next week,
The Commish
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